last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
you had me at cake vodka
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
