R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
