if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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