you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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