the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
