Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
