i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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