How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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