I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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