I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Randomize
