if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize