When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
