Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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