Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize