conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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