Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
third nipple confirmed
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
