are you so shy because you have an std?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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