I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
