I accidentally had phone sex last night
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
