apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize