it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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