I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
