based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
