I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
