This is not my ceiling
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
