Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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