i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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