Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
