you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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