This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
