So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
