Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
