Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
