ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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