Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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