i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
