Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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