Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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