so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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