yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
if only i could text you this smell
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
