I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
