hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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