He felt like a one man threesome
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
pray to the hookup gods
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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