problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just invented taco cereal.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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