i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
