I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
