dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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