If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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