Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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