Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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