Sry I called you an 8
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize