he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
