Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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