Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
