Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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