I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
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