Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
