i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
