Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
