I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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