you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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