dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
