I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
