She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
