Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
