Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
