I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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