Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm too high and old for this...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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