It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
