Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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